Is it really kindness the way to grow?

Can you tell what is the “right way” to eat an apple? Can you imagine how many different ways are there to eat an apple?

More importantly, are we here to eat apples in the right way? Or are we here to experience how to eat an apple feels like?

When I catch myself having difficulties dealing with strong emotions like failure, sadness, fear, anger, or grief, I feel my resistance to those uncomfortable feelings, thinking: “I shouldn’t be feeling this way”.

With time and observation, I notice the underlying expectation of being happy. A thought that tells “I am here to be happy”. So it is not about the moment to moment experience, but about reaching and staying in an ideal state of happiness. Which is actually a very stressful state of mind because it tells me that there is something I am doing wrong, that there is something wrong with me, otherwise I shouldn’t be feeling that way!

Sounds familiar?

The problem is that it is not an empowering position from where you can strive for something different, it is actually a position of shame because it doesn’t recognize your human nature and the imperfect nature of the human experience that tells: “It is normal, it is part of the experience”.

If we want more from life, I believe that we need a more purposeful meaning to life, something that goes way beyond the simplistic ideal state of happiness. Something that helps us value the experience itself.

I have learned that the purposeful meaning to life is about our spiritual growth, the growth of our vital essence. So, what does it mean to grow our spirit? It is to grow into a larger state of being. It is to be willing to extend one’s self.

And it is only from that purposeful perspective that you can see that your emotions are there to support you to understand yourself and if you choose, to help you create higher thoughts, to tell higher words and to raise your actions.

Now, the fuel of that willingness to extend one’s self is self love. Because you need to want something better for you and you need to know that you are enough to provide better for you.

I know that it sounds easier to say than to do, but I would like to share with you what I consider a powerful way to start.

Step 1. Recognize your struggle. Be present with what is happening as it is happening. As you are there with you welcoming your difficult emotions, be kind to yourself, tell yourself things like: “It is ok to feel this, I know it is hard, I know it feels uncomfortable, but I still love and accept myself as I am”; give yourself a hug if you feel like.

Step 2. Bring the awareness that it is “normal”. All people are imperfect, all people live imperfect lives. Tell yourself things like: “It is human to fail, this is part of the experience”; “It is human to feel grief”.

Step 3. Offer yourself support. As you recognize the struggle and you treat yourself with kindness (Step 1), you are creating the space you need to step outside of you and offer help to yourself. “What do I feel I need in this moment?” And try to give it to yourself.

This is practicing Self Compassion, it puts you in an empowering position because you maintain your self confidence as you recognize that it is part of the experience and that it has a purpose. Therefore, you are more likely to try again and keep trying. Choosing higher and higher, feeling better and better.

What I am saying is that it is not Self Hard Criticism what is going to make you strive for something different, for something better. It is self love and kindness, because it allows you to keep your power, it gives you the inner strength you need to have the courage to take responsibility and to make the changes that are required from you to grow, to expand your state of being.

On the other hand, notice how self criticism makes you feel afraid of failure, often developing performance anxiety, often loosing confidence in yourself, often giving up.

Practicing self compassion, shows that you have the power to transform any moment of suffering into a moment of love and connection towards yourself.

Be aware of your beliefs.

Choose what serves you today.

Give confidence and offer safety to your inner child. Because it is not the “should” of the Parent, not the “childish–immaturity” of the Child, but the “consciousness” of the Adult of today.

With love and gratitude,

Cristina,